6 posts tagged “university”

It just feels... weird, y'know?

My first year of university-degree studies is finally over, yet I just can't shake the feeling that it's... well, not.

Talk about "existential crisis", really. After having said good-bye to your classmates and everyone's started to slowly go back to their home town, start working or just hitting the streets and going travelling, it just feels like there's this huge void inside.

Helsinki's never felt this empty.

Of course, I'll probably see some of them during summer but with the next semester still three and a half months away, you do get a bit overwhelmed over the thought.

I guess today was finally the day I kinda realised that I'm really living on my own. Sure, there are loads and heaps and piles of stuff I've been postponing all through school, and now I might finally have enough time to get them done, but it still feels a bit melancholy. I'll have time to write, read, paint, draw, design, study etc., but the thing is I'll finally have time.

Things tend to feel a bit too big when you finally have time to think about them. There's a big chance I'll end up walking to the university out of pure coincidence during the summer. Come monday I might very well be sitting in a lecture hall out of habitual reaction.

Strangely though, I secretly feel a need to shut myself in and away from my classmates all through summer; not that I don't want to see them, might just be I need some time "away"...

...

Talk about Picasso's 'Blue Period', huh?

Maybe I'm just nervous about tomorrow's job interview - especially seeing as I've never been to one.

I guess it was bound to happen, really. This being the closest thing to MIT over here really set the stage for it already.

I was bound to start feeling really stupid around here, that is.

Surprisingly though, it's not because I think I'm going to fail the course in Statics ( not Statistics; and it's fine since I'll be getting more than enough credits, anyway) or because linear algebra in n-space would be too overwhelming ( I'm actually getting pretty good at it, yay!); the real reason why I'm feeling stupid around here, even though my courses are going smoothly for the most part, can be defined simply by checking out my surroundings.

I'm sitting in one of the, I don't know, maybe around 50 different computer classes, and whereas the people around me are going through complex diagrams and really funky looking schematics, writing essays, thesises (or theses?) and generally being very academic, yours truly is sitting here, posting on his blog, shuffling through Deviantart and reading bad articles on whatnot. Makes ya kinda feel like you're lowering the standards.

...

Oh wait, the guy in front of me is playing a Flash-game and apparently watching porn out in the open! Guess I should scratch the post, then...

Sitting in class, listening to lectures and nursing a slight hangover magnified by near total lack of sleep last night due to an all night ( semi-mandatory) after-party at one of the classier clubs in Helsinki ( I'm sure there are already pictures all 'round the internets, unfortunately), I had a slight epiphany during my third wave of cold sweating and second lecture on structural engineering that maybe, just maybe, I'm in for the right job.

It's not exactly unsurprising when you realize that, when the lecturer tells you what books you need to successfully get through the course, not only do you own that very same book, but that you've also read through it a few consecutive times simply out of pure interest.

I tell ya, sitting there with a hangover you don't deserve and realising that you more or less already know everything about a course isn't only exhilirating, it's a huge weight off my back; especially since Introductory Calculus is about as easy as trying to have a meaningful conversation with a jar of pickles and the required "introductory" book on "basic" calculus is big and heavy enough that you could kill a fucking moose with it.

Of course, by the time the fourth wave of chills and shakes came over me I was well over the exhiliration and back to "oooh..."

Good times.

Anyway, life seems to have started to finally settle down here. I've started to get on track with what I'm actually supposed to do here, how I'm supposed to do it and within what time constraints. Math seems ... monolithic, to say the least, and I'm getting the strange sensation that I quickly need to find a very nerdy new friend who can tutor me in the hair-fine ( and horrendously boring) weaves of University-level mathematics. Physics isn't a problem, mainly since it actually seems interesting ( who can't say that after they've found out we have courses in not only Fire Simulation but also Contemporary Explosives - Theory and PRACTICE?). And at least I get the sensation of actually achieving something; two days in and I'm actually able to read basic cyrilic words ( I didn't say understand) and our very first course in construction theory has us drawing up and designing single family houses with emphasis on Form and Function. I don't care if you don't find it interesting, it's words like that that turn me on!

Anyway, back to trying to bash my head through the wall.

Apologize for the late post, but vox's been a tad iffy at home for the past few days, so I was forced to haul my ass to the university to post. OK, math lecture might've had something to do with it as well.

So my sister finally got married to The Man ( of her dreams), accompanied by wild cheers, a great party and some shits and giggles! Great times, really, even if I wasn't able to enjoy it full-heartedly thanks to my brain silently freaking out over the upcoming week at The University.

But still, I was able to enjoy the whole thing to about 90%, which was certainly worth it all! Especially since I got to chat with relatives I hadn't seen for a few years; few people I've met are as street-wise ( or generally wise) as my huge pack of cousins, and getting to talk with all of them at length was really something I needed!

Everybody agreed that "we just don't do these kinds of things (get-togethers, not weddings) often enough" and thought it would be great if we all actually did something about it! Being invited by various cousins and other relatives to "come over" to their various places in various countries - which was a nice gesture, but seeing as most of my finances are running on empty, we'll definitely have to see how long it'll take 'til I'm able to actually cash out on those gestures.

All in all, though, it was a very welcome break from ... well... everything, and getting back to the ( not so dreary) university-life that is me.

So Sis's getting married today to the Man ( of her dreams, apparently), which means everybody's getting ready for her Big Day - including me.

Well, come to think of it, I probably shouldn't be saying "including me", since I've been more or less left out of the whole process, save for some last minute ( but nonetheless crucial) tasks I had no idea I'd be handling 'fore today.

In short, I pretty much feel like the errand boy over here.

But I still think it's great that she's getting married, and even more so that I'll get to see loads of relatives who I've not seen in years. But it's still a huge mental barrier to cross having to come back to my parents' house over the weekend - mainly because I'd still have so much stuff to do at home myself, going through papers and such, but mainly brushing up on old academia. I'm gonna sound so selfish and horrible saying this...

... but I just don't have the time to see my sister getting married this weekend.

I'm feeling overwhelmed as is already: getting settled within the Halls of Academia is unsettling enough as is, but not even having a weekend off to take care of supplementary/more mundane tasks is going to kill off what little spare time I'd have next week.

And seriously, trying to brush up on integral calculus and matrixes in a bus with one foot in the grave is bad enough!

It's strange.

I mean, it just feels strange.

As a little kid I used to think that my hometown'd just be too small for me, not up to snuff, and I'd think of Helsinki as some sort of Grand Gateway to the World - a welcome but somewhat arbitrary respite on my way to taking over ( and out) the World. I wasn't gullible by any means; I didn't think good things would just come to me just as long as I got there...

... and now I am. Here, that is. Surprisingly, it wasn't even anti-climactic; far from it, actually.

The first university-week's almost over, I've got most ( if not all) of my courses planned out for this fall, and I'm starting to get the hang of all this higher education-stuff.

How do I feel?

Well, like quite a lot of things, really; elated, scared, inferior, lonely, euphoric, proud - but mostly bewildered.

There are just a lot of things here that have to get done - by me - and I'm starting to wonder how everyone else throughout history's managed. But then again, you live and learn, and even if I mess up this semester it's not going to be the end of the world.

But I still get the feeling that I'm being taught by people far too over-educated where a significantly inferior substitute would do. I'm still trying to get the hang of my more basic academic skills, and yet here I am, taking courses I have no prior understanding of ( and quite probably, no understanding afterwards, either), trying to pin down when and where my lectures etc. are, and on top of all that, learning both Russian and Japanese on the side!

And yet, after all that, I feel great: I'm priviledged; I have the liberty, not the obligation to be here, taking all these courses, classes and lectures.

Hell, I finally feel like I'm gonna be somebody!

... And yet it's not quite enough for me, not yet. But more about that in a year or two...