9 posts tagged “army”

So, tomorrow's the 'big day'.

Tomorrow I head out for refresher training ( and as stupid as it sounds, it's called that, I checked!) to recheck if I still have what it takes to be cannon fodder a useful part of the Finnish Defence Forces.

Most of my friends are happy to see me going, though. Either because of a sadistic pleasure to see someone ship off again, because it's me shipping off or because they think I'll finally stop whining about having to go there ( I'm not exactly pro peace, but I'm anti wasting-my-time).

And hey, people who know me too well will agree that eight days of complete radio silence on my part can be bliss beyond imagining. I'm enough of a man to admit that.

But still, having to pull on a pair of fatigues again and go running around in the woods has me a little less than thrilled. Oh well, at least I've pretty much got everything necessary packed already: a good book, some chocolate, a bottle of vodka, a hammock, pen and paper etc. - y'know, stuff every soldier needs.

Especially the hammock.

End term's are finally almost over, and with that I'm almost through my first academic year and am free to spend my summer holidays as I wish and see fit.

... which means I'm still as unemployed as a motherfucker.

OK, OK - it's not like it'd be the end of the world to not get a job for the summer ( which, at this point, seems very, very unlikely), since last year's work in construction got me pretty set and secure financially, but seeing as I'm not getting any state grants nor did I have the decency and genius to apply for at least one scholarship, I'm pretty much on my own.

But at least I'll finally have some time for myself. There's been a lot of work just waiting to get done ( or even started), and I'll finally have the time to finish/start those pesky murals I've been intending to paint all along the walls for almost a year now. I also have a promise to fulfill to a friend about teaching him kung fu ( Yes, "I know kung fu.") and I'll have loads of time for self-study, which I've been just dying to do!

Alright, that also means I have a few summer exams I've intended to get through ( since I failed them the first time - Hi Mom!) and I also have a few summer lectures and courses to boot ( whoodathunk "Japanese business ethics" was something you could get extra credit for?).

... And then there's that little thing about having to sit in the woods for a few weeks again thanks to the military wanting to up my military rank ( which, ironically, is the only real job I'll be having this summer, since it pays). And in case you're wondering, No, rank doesn't get you anywhere with the ladies - not in a country with conscription, at least.

But at least I should be allowed to blow up another tank again, which is always a blast ( no pun intended)! 'sides, who wouldn't want to blow +20k of scrap metal up for shits and giggles, and getting paid for it as well???

There are, of course, other things as well that should keep me occupied on a near-daily basis, but on the other hand I don't have anything definite planned for july - so I'm thinking about travelling somewhere, y'know, adventurin'.

But for now Mother's Day ( or is it Mothers' Day? I mean, there are quite a few of them) is coming up, and I'll probably be having my hands full having to explain to my own mom why I won't be visiting then because theoretical physics is so much more fun than a fully paid restaurant dinner.

Oh well...

Alright, alright, I came back from St. Petersburg on Monday already and I know I should've written all of this on Tuesday ( at the very latest), but if we all blame it on jet lag then it's OK, right?

( The +1h time difference can really f**k you up, am I right?)

*Ahem*

I think I'm in love. Forget whatever you've thought or heard about Russia - if nothing else, St. Petersburg rules. Big time. The city, the people, the food, the everything was just so wonderfully overwhelming that I honestly had to ask myself why I hadn't gone there before.

I blame it on ingrown Russian stereotypes in Finns, but meh.

The Hermitage was probably the cultural high mark in my life. Forgetting the fact that it is an insane testament to human decadence ( and that I am so going to find a way to move in), the art and architecture in there was just astounding. One of my friends put it quite eloquently saying that she thought it was wonderful looking at my reactions because I looked like I was experiencing one mental orgasm after another.

.. And I did have to change my pants after all that.

Apart from the Hermitage, you just couldn't get enough of the absolutely insane buildings! I'm talking Monolithic, baby! The soviets sure knew how to make imposing ( yet strangely attractive) buildings.

And Russians are among the friendliest people I've come across. Always willing to help, glad to talk and tell stories and just really friendly people, even with my very limited Russian skills. Big ups to Vasili and Anya for showing us around as well, you guys rocked! ( And probably don't read my blog, but meh, wuttahell...)

I'd kill for some caviar and pancakes right about now - God, I loved that stuff. And the fact that you could get a three course meal with dessert and drinks for just around 10€ was something I was ready to give my pinky away for.

I know this is starting to sound like one big list of 'things', but bare with me on one more, because it just has to be mentioned. If nothing else, the Russians know their vodka. I'm talking End Times - quantities - and quality. And the fact that I was able to buy an 80€ bottle of vodka ( in Finland) for 20€ ( in Russia) pretty much made my week. Even if I've yet to gather the courage to taste the stuff.

I'd post pictures as well, but apart from the fact that I still haven't gotten my laptop back ( partial reason for my slow posting) I also don't have any pictures.

Because my camera was stolen.

One hour before we were due to leave.

In the most stereotypical "I'm-a-gonna-steal-your-stuff" kinda tourist area.

Thank God for travel insurance, though, but there were a lot of really good photos there.

But it's like a seagull'd take a dump on you while you're out on the beach: it happens to the best of us.

Getting home, of course, was a welcome change as well. Even if, it seems, the Man has me pinned: right after coming home from Russia, I get a letter from the military stating that I'm due for further training in June. So it's back to the woods for another two weeks.

Because, apparently, going to Russia voluntarily means you need some serious reconfiguration.

As ever, whenever I'd like to think that Life's starting to settle down, that I can anticipate the damn thing at least a month forward, that there shouldn't be any unexpected ... events to be ( un-)expected, Life turns into that giddy little 5-year old bastard that runs around going "WoooEEEEooooEEEooo", only to hide in an all too thick shrub, forcing me to go fetch it because it won't come out otherwise, ending up in Life kicking me so hard in the balls that I end up wheezing through my teeth while the little fuck runs of laughing.

( Could've gone with a shorter analogy, but Noooo...)

Among other things ( not going into the ramifications of the Parental Unit once again having gone on vacation, effectively leaving the house open for robbery, armed assault and/or spontaneous firestorms), today had me going "WTF mate?" way too early in the morning, when I'd finally gotten to work.

To be precise, there was a man standing at the gates there. There is generally not supposed to be a man standing there, so sleepy attention was shifted ( rather slowly, I might add) towards this manly apparition in the middle of the eeriest ( but incredibly cool-looking) fogs in a while. Turns out he was a New Guy on his first day at the site.

It also turns out that I'm now working with my former brother-in-arms from the army, one in my platoon, to be exact.

What, anti-climax don't suit you?

Whew, it's been a while...

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not getting that stuck to posting, I just happened to realize that someone may actually want to read what's been up, how'zit hanging and other sexual innuendos for erectile disfunction.

And that's the surprising thing, actually! A few weeks ago I actually found out that I have readers (notice the plural, as in many?)! People have actually started to find out about this aspiring supervillain's/egotripper's/wha'ev's blog and returned! Whoodathunk?

So perhaps I felt obliged to post. And even though I have found it quite hilarious to just look at my blog for the past few days, I felt the novelty was wearing off and that people might actually want content.

Not that I'd give you any...

But what has been up, anyway? Well... Jack shit, really. Work is starting to look like an even more distant dream than getting to stab Nelly Fur-tab or what's-her-tits in the face (God her music's annoying!) with the ever classical "we'll call you next week" ringing in my ears like the aftershock of an explosion.

But that's not to say I haven't been working! (Actually, it is.)

With all the extra time I have to spend (since I think I can officially call myself 'unemployed' until the next term starts and I can call myself 'student' instead, even though the only difference is that students generally have a smaller income due to welfare...) I've actually gotten a hold of myself and gotten a lot of off-the-wall projects done or gaining momentum once again.

Among other things is that I'm finally getting somewhere with my "promise" of painting something on my sister's wall. Since I've already gotten the idea more or less done, at least enough for me to start, I've been busy the last couple of days retouching the primary design for it. At first I was going to just try and tape the whole thing off and just paint over it all, but since I can't find the right kind of tape (and we call ourselves 'modern'!), I'm down to good old stencil-work - which is going to be quite a bitch of a thing to do since, If I'm actually going to pull through with my original idea, will take quite a few man-hours just to get the templates ready. But once I actually get the sketch a bit more stencil-friendly, it'll be... well, if not a breeze to do, then at least fun.

There are, of course, other things in this world that need to get done as well. One of the most urgent things I have to get finished (starting) with is resize and touch up all of my army-photos. Not because I could care, but in a moment of weakness I promised some of my brothers-in-arms that I'd send them all to them as soon as I'd get the whole package done.

I'd say they'll get them by June.

At least my friends are fortunate enough to have been born at regular intervals. One of them is going 20 this Friday, which mean extensive partying, which I'm always up for. Not only that, but his birthdayparty coincides with a gig featuring a friend of mine about 300m away from his. And neither are in my hometown, so the odds were quite good this time. I'll try (not) to post about my escapades this coming Friday on Saturday, so stay tuned.

Hmm, turned out to be quite the Postzilla, didn't it? Guess I do have to post more often so I can bitch and rant in a bit more bite-sized pieces. Oh well, 'note to self' 

After getting a good night's rest and my brain is actually starting to work, I thought I'd post a lil' something-something. Yes, the Endwar is over, I no longer wear full combat-armor 24/7, and I get to sleep more than 2,5h a night and I can finally heal all those bruises and cuts I've gathered. Oh, and that lil' bazooka-concussion I got, or at least I think I did. Life, therefore, is good. I actually kept my promise about keeping some sort of warjournal about my final experiences in the woody-wood-wood-woods, but bare with me, it'll take a few weeks until I've been able to transfer it all onto teh internets. Pics will follow as well at some point, though it'll have to wait until January, since I won't be able to get a hold of them until the 4th. Like I said, bare with me, it takes time to wrap a half year's worth of stuff together, but I'll get it done... eventually!

On another note, Facebook is driving me nutsters. By now, I suspect, everyone up to Jesus has their own Facebook-page, so I expect you all to know what I'm talking about. If you don't, go join Facebook (no actually, don't)!

It's not that Facebook is useless, it's just that it's full of those useless applications! Gawddangit, I was away for 2 weeks, and I come back to close to 50 invites to install said application that calculates how sexy my name is/what ninja I am/how many roses my rectum heart fits etc. And not only that, but JESUS PEOPLE, I didn't join Facebook to get twentyhundredfiftyeleven chainletters about some 7-year old girl with leukemia claiming that every time their message is forwarded she gets 7 cents. I'm not that gullible, and I'm definitely not that patient! I'm sorry, but I really don't care kids. And I don't care about your Hugs-war-chainletters either, I get real hugs.

But back to subject: seeing as I'll be discharged in January, posting should become more frequent as well, though time will tell if it actually will ( fret not, it will). In the mean time, as dyslexics say, have fnu!

Not trying to sound like a Tom Clancy-novel, I'd like to point out that it's finally here. Mais waht eezit? It is the culmination of my military career; the grand finale of conscription, the magnificent--... eh, feckit, it's a 12-day stint in the midst of the Finnish fauna and flora, a physical and mental test of how pissed a person can get, an almost two week long fight against an enemy nearly as non-motivated as you are. It sucks, but somebody's gotta do it.

The reason I'm even talking about this is not only because my leave ends in a matter of hours, after which I'll be cut off from civilization for quite a while (not so strange now that Nokia's Finnish, huh? Realize why we have to be #1 in cellphones, eh?), but also because after this my conscription will finally be over. Finit. Kaput. Over. Gone. Go away, no-one'll miss ya. And after this is over I can once again talk to people who actually think of me as having some self-worth (more on that in my conscription-rundown, in internets January 2008). But now I better get my mind set on sleeping in the woods for two weeks and eating things that'd make gruel seem gourmét.

But I'm in a hurry, sorry about that, one shouldn't update blogs in a hurry; they tend to become less thought out then. But I should be bringing with meself a pen and some paper, so if we're lucky you all might get some sort of on-the-spot diary about it all (as long as I won't have to edit out a whole mass of "**** this ****" from my transcripts.), but for now, adieu, see you all on the 22nd!

Wiv wuv, moi.

Hiya, beeyatches! Rant ensues.

I'm back from the woods, my 4-week Siberia-extravaganza of outings a thing of the past, a frozen memory left behind next to some pinetree... Kinda like my behind, but that's a whole 'nother story.

This last outing i had (sponsored by the very generous FDF. Wiki it if it's not obvious.) was a 4-day "WAR (= We Ain't Resting). I tell ya, four days and ~10h of sleep altogether kinda wears you down. And having to wake up in the middle of the night to go out on patrol kinda pisses you off. By the end of the second day I was just angry; by the end of the third I was on the verge of a perpendicular coma. Not much moving about in the brain-department at 2:00am, or at least nothing very logical (think Swedish Chef from The Muppets Show going "Wat de fuk? Bork bork!" over and over again and you pretty much get the idea how "out there" I was). On the other hand, having been numbed up by the lack of sleep and (oh, did I forget?) food made you forget how cold it really was.

But I'm back to civilization once more! Having gotten to eat real food (ok, it was a burger) and having gotten more sleep in one night than I had in 4 days has made me somewhat aware of my surroundings. At least now I can say I'm capable of cognitive thinking, though after two days, passing solids is still a bit of a problem...

... I know it sounds disgusting, but I haven't slept or eaten regularly in four fucking days, plus it's my blog, so Sierra Tango Foxtrot Uniform.

Ok, not much of a rant, but brain still no worky, sorry about that. Making real sentences still seems to pose a problem. Get back to you all once I've gotten some more sleep.

Let's be frank: I hate the army, and while I may not be stuck for the longest amount of time, my job description gives me the liberty to be malcontent about it all. I'm an antitank-infantryman (your neighborhood bazooka-boy if you will). That means I do a lot of heavy lifting, heavy carrying and heavy... well, heavy. Apart from running around with a bazooka (or three) on our backs, we get our assault rifles, combat equipment, one to two landmines, backpack fully loaded and - if we're unlucky - a bike.

But those aren't big enough reasons on their own for me to really hate the army, so why not list the really big ones, right?? So here they are, in no particular order, the ten biggest reasons why I hate the army:

1. Evacuation. In movies it's cool; some goody-two-shoes decides he has to save Stan from the grocery-store from the rushing hordes of Krauts, so he picks him up on one shoulder and shoots down every motherhubbard in vicinity with the other, all the while running back to his own comrades. Sure, it all sounds heroic and cool, but if you, like me, have another AT-infantryman next to you and he get's wounded, guess who get's to carry him and his gear?? That's right folks, me. And since we're drilling, let's make 'em run up a 20ft near-vertical dune, with his gasmask and raincoat on in case someone farts, in the kind of hail and lightningbolts that make Chuck Norris cringe. And to make sure we all really know what we're supposed to do, LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

2. "We gotta hurry so we can go wait!" For some unexplainable reason, whatever we may be doing, wherever we may be going, we're always in a hurry! I swear, if they had the legislation behind them, they'd time us in the restrooms, too. The funny thing about all this is that no matter how fast (or slow) we get from point A to Z, we always, always have to stand at attention and - here's the punchline - wait. If it was for just a few minutes it wouldn't be that bad, but we're talking fifteen minutes to a whole hour. I mean, c'mon people, we could get through basic training in three months if we didn't have to wait so much!

3. NCO's. Let me explain how certain things work in the finnish military: since almost everybody up to second lieutenants are conscripts at the time they're there, the non-commissioned officers are as well. Only most of them are as apt for the job or just about as motivated for it as the rest of us. The problem is that they're serving for a full year and get quite bitter doing it, whereas people who can play their cards right (it takes a certain amount of intelligence; I'm sorry if I sound mean, but it does) only serve as regular infantry for 6 months, and can thereafter continue with their lives with relative ease. Then again, the dumbest bunch doesn't qualify for NCO-training, so the NCO's are, without almost any exception, your average Joe. Here's the ticker: these Joes , though they might have the training to lead us grunts, do a very poor job at it, and find great enjoyment in dealing the rest of us with chickenshit (look that one up if you're not familiar with the term). Most of us ain't having any of it, which leads to complete lack of morale and a loss in discipline (since no-one in today's world is going to stand some teenager, often smaller/younger/"less of a man" than you are). And this just makes the NCO's angry -> more chickenshit -> the infantry get's angrier etc. ad infinitum. You get the point.

4. The early bird does not catch the worm. Wakeup-call is at 6am, 5am if we're unlucky. Immediately after this we have 5 minutes to "wake up", make our beds and be fully clothed and ready to go. I'm not a morning person, so jumping around like your shirt's on fire in the middle of the night isn't my cup of tea. Of course, after these 5 minutes, it's another 45 until we go to breakfast. In the mean time - guess what? - we wait.

5. VERY LOUD VOICES. I don't get it: not only do they have to wake me from my beauty-sleep in the middle of the effing night, but they have to do it by shouting it very loudly. And after that, you can bet that the only time you'll be hearing anything below 120db that day will be the fart from the guy in the next foxhole. And I'm. dead. fucking. serious.

6. "You're doing it wrong." In the army, free thought among us grunts is allowed, though not encouraged. This mainly to hide our outbursts of praise (or lack thereof), but quite certainly also so we don't have to correct the officers every time they make a mistake, and whoa nelly do they make mistakes! Not only factual errors, but everything from weapons-handling to unit-strategy is down right laden with miscalculations, illogical timewasting and your general fuckups. Everything has to be done the hard way, even though there are at the very least three (3) better ways to do it. It's not that doing it wrong annoys anyone. Fuck, we get used to it, but every time something new (and ugly) rears its head and it's complicated logistical/logical and/or other flaws see the light it should so not be seeing, a tiny bit of my brain leaks out of my ears and falls onto the moss. I'm afraid that once I do get out of the army, I won't have any more brain to use. Oh God, it's already happening!

7. The woods. Let's be fair: the woods are cool, and a central part of the Finnish flora (duh). I just don't consider myself such a crucial part of it that I have to live in it. That's what urbanization is for! If you like camping and jumping around the undergrowth like some longhaired Greenpeace-fag, then be my guest. Just don't invite me along.

8. The weather. Granted, the woods wouldn't be half that bad if only the weather would cooperate every once in a while, but, lucky for me, it doesn't. Instead we get torrential rain, fog you couldn't shoot through, rain that makes you thankful you have a helmet on, autumn stormwinds that chill you to the bone and thunderstorms that, while magnificent, ad to the overall suckiness. All this seems to happen every time we have to camp out in some mosquito-infested woods, resulting in us being cold, wet and very, very pissed. Did I mention the cold? But boy am I lucky it hasn't snowed... yet. Though with my luck, we'll be experiencing the kind of suck-weather this winter nobody's seen for a decade.

9. Eating from a mess kit. This sucks beyond measure. Not only is eating from one of these aluminium cans from hell an absolute pain, but unsanitary as well. And you never really eat that much from them, either because it's so troublesome and slow to eat out of it that you don't have time for seconds (even eating is a timed thing) or because you're just too pissed off about it all to bother with it. The second option seems to go around quite a lot.

10. Mines. I just hate carrying the fuckers, that's all.